My BFFs: Pat Boone and Yassir’s Widow

Pat Boone called today.

I was delighted to hear he was still alive and I had so many questions for him. I couldn’t ask any, though, because he was robocalling me with a taped message about next week’s primary.

And, in spite of his comment about me and other seniors (SENIORS????), I listened to a lot of the spiel. Because, when it comes to good advice about the Tenth Congressional District, nobody knows the issues like Pat Boone.

I’ve received about 50 robocalls in the past two weeks; poorly scripted recordings of various politicians and (mostly) local celebs seeking my vote in the February primaries. I am, of course, the second-most important voter in my home and very popular among the ruling class, so it’s easy to understand all these calls to my office and cell numbers.

Similarly, I get regular e-mails from lonely women who plead with me to meet them and make their lives complete. Former ministers of distant lands beg for my aid in reconnecting them to their fortunes. Bankers offer me millions of dollars in mortgages, home equity lines and subordinated mortgage-backed Obama futures. (Highly discounted since last year!!!) I have already bankrupted several nations by winning all their lotteries.

Did I mention the drugs? Oh, yeah. All kinds of drugs. Drugs for arthritis, heart palpitations, toe cancer and the always popular erectile dysfunction. It’s amazing that CVS is still in business, what with the lower prices and top quality competition on the internet.

And every time I read one of these e-mails, the same question comes to mind. Who ARE these people?

Not the people sending the e-mails or making the robocalls. Clearly, they are running a business and, somehow, they are making money at it. If they weren’t making money, they’d stop. That’s the beauty of capitalism, if you’re not running AIG.

The real question is about the people who actually respond to this stuff. Who are they and why are they allowed to operate motor vehicles, take out mortgages and screen my baggage?

I’m thinking about the guy who just got a message with the headline, Hapy Birtday from a Freind, and opened the email to find an offer for low-cost V*I*A*G*A*R*A* or Lovitera. And this same somebody said to himself,

“Hah, look at that. It’s not a birthday card after all. They tricked me into looking at this ad for medicines they can’t even spell……But, wow, look at those prices. Where’s my Visa????”

Before there was an internet, I received 2-3 international letters each year, handwritten, on onionskin paper, with a return address of…..can you guess?????…..yep, Nigeria. The former minister of mining or a widow whose husband was killed by an evil cabal or…didn’t matter, really. They were all the same.

They were desperate and, of all the millions of people in the United States, I was the one they were counting on to help them reclaim their vast fortunes. If only I would show them I was truly trutwothy, sinsere and finacialy reponsible. It was quite a burden for me to shoulder, but that’s why they knew I was the only one for the job.

I am the widow of the former mining director, president, secretary of the ministry, Yassir Arafat (really) and I must call upon you in a matter of great urgency and discreetion….

Ah, classic literature. Decades go by but the text is eternal, along with the misspellings. Are the misspellings a part of the plan, placed intentionally to seem more sinseare? This might be the case, based on the number of scams that include great typos, like an urgent message from Chase Bank addressed to me as a valuable costumer.

So who is it that thinks Yassir Arafat’s widow is really searching the globe and landing on them? There must be people who think they’ve just won the lottery, but how can they be that dumb and still know how to work a computer?

You probably delete these emails and hang up on the robocalls. You probably think you know all kinds of people who are everyday Americans, just like you, with common sense and a bit of street smarts. You probably think you’re like most other people, even people who disagree with you on some political issue, and that most other Americans are pretty much like you.

You are so kidding yourself.

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2 Responses to My BFFs: Pat Boone and Yassir’s Widow

  1. GPPCEO says:

    I don’t hang up on them – they don’t call me – I used skype – have number – and every important person in my life can and does operate a PC.

    I don’t get junk mail. I pay the PO Box fee for a poor person I trust – they handle all that crap PLUS we have a rule – if its a typed address – even if it has my name on it – I don’t care if its from my bank, the IRS, a lawyer, a doctor – I care not – Toss it. My friends know this and only send me hand written, hand addressed cards. I bank online and don’t need any other sort of crap in my life.

    As for Nigerian scams – with all this free time I am a bit of a sadist. I bait them into believing the con is working, I have them visit a few pages at our site describing all kinds of stuff – then I trap their IP address and I can tell you if they are in Nigeria, Romania or China. You’d be surprised how many Nigerian scams are not from Nigeria.

    Last week’s was – a sweet guy in Nigeria tried a scam, his big-shot banking pals in the Philippines and Las Vegas all chimed in – all they wanted was for me to open a checking account in my name – and give them power of attorney over it so they could deposit $300K (much less than the last Nigerian scam).

    I said fine – here’s the MOU and instructions (on our web server). One person visited – out of Las Vegas – although all of them sent me copies of the text and confirmed they were looking at it while online while talking to them by phone (skype – no number).

    So wait – a guy in Vegas is able to be in Nigeria and the Philippines – all at the same time he’s rolling dice for billions across the crap tables in Nevada.

    Wow – must be nice. Now THAT is some technology I’d invest in.

    Ok – now you have my email to post this. If you send me anything that doesn’t have my first name in the subject and its toast – straight to the trash.

    My friends know about that too.

  2. Larry Clark says:


    Isn’t it amazing that you’re kinda the opto-electronic center of the universe. We can almost visualize those arcs of communication originating from all over the globe (Hmmm — would we show that with a Mercator projection? Perhaps Robinson, Mollweide, or interrupted Sinusoidal?) and terminating right at your li’l ol’ computer. And mine too, since we both get to be the opto-electronic center of the universe.

    But I am jealous. I never got one of those hand written letters from Nigeria. All the ones I’ve received have been in the digital era. Drat!

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